Jake Lassiter faces disbarment in “Last Chance Lassiter,” the prequel to the ten-book series featuring the Miami Dolphins linebacker turned trouble-prone lawyer. In the novella, a young Lassiter – a few years out of night law school – slugs a client. Why? The transcript of his Bar Disciplinary Hearing answers the question, as he spars with the judge assigned to his case.
************************************************************************************
IN THE SUPREME COURT OF FLORIDA
THE FLORIDA BAR, Case Number SC-14-238
Petitioner
vs.
JAKE LASSITER,
Respondent
TRANSCRIPT OF BAR DISCIPLINARY HEARING
**************************************************************************************
JUDGE BUCKSTROM: Apparently, Mr. Lassiter, you have a propensity for violence.
JAKE LASSITER: Not really, Your Honor. The only time I was arrested, it was a case of mistaken identity.
Q: How’s that?
A: I didn’t know the guy I hit was a cop.
Q: But in this case, Mr. Lassiter, you have admitted striking your own client.
A: Technically, he wasn’t my client. It was our first meeting, and I hadn’t agreed to represent him.
Q: So why did you hit him?
A: He came at me with a baseball bat from the collection on my office wall. Barry Bonds. Mark McGuire. Alex Rodriguez.
Q: You collect from any players who didn’t break the rules?
A: Innocent until proven juiced, Your Honor. 
Q: So your testimony is…your prospective client attacked you with your own bat?
A: Under Florida’s stand-your-ground law, I could have shot him with a machine gun.
Q: The complainant swears you hauled off and slugged him without provocation.
A: So he’s a liar in addition to being a wife beater.
Q. Now, hold on, Mr. Lassiter.
A: He was charged with spousal abuse and wanted me to suborn perjury. Specifically, he said–
Q: Stop right there! That’s hearsay.
A: I thought this was an informal proceeding.
Q: My report to the Florida Supreme Court is damn formal, pardon my French. And you, sir, are flirting with disbarment.
A: (inaudible)
Q: Did you just laugh, Mr. Lassiter?
A: Sorry, Your Honor. Flirting with Disbarment. Sounds like my life story.
Q: Indeed. I’ve reviewed the litany of Bar Complaints against you. Are you familiar with Florida Bar Rule Seven-D?
A: Not really, but if it’s only number seven, how important can it be?
Q: What!
A: Like in the Ten Commandments. Number seven outlaws adultery. No biggie, if you look at the statistics.
Q: Mr. Lassiter, Rule Seven-D states that “Lawyers must comport themselves with dignity.”
A: Sounds like a slap-on-the-wrist offense. Can I plead nolo and get a sternly worded letter from Tallahassee?
Q: Assault and battery is a felony, and a felony is a disbarable offense.
A: Disbarable? Is that even a word?
Q: That’s enough! Your flippancy will be noted.
A: Now, flippancy is definitely a word. But a funny one. No way can you say flippancy and not smile.
Q: What about the word disbarment? Want to crack wise about that one? Disbarment! Disbarment! Disbarment!
A: I get your point, Judge. I just do things my own way.
Q: If you don’t follow the Ethical Rules, just how do you go about practicing law?
A: I look for a cause that’s just, a client I like, and a check that doesn’t bounce.
Q: How’s that working for you?
A: I seldom win the trifecta.
Q: I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. Do you have any remorse? Do you regret striking your client? Your prospective client.
A: My Granny taught me that any man who hits a woman is a low-life scumsucker, and if I were ever to see such a thing, I should put a stop to it. Well, I couldn’t stop this bastard, so I just called him a bully and a coward who doubted his own manhood, a pussycat pretending to be a tiger. He’d been admiring the Barry Bonds black maple bat. I was hoping he’d come at me with it. When he did, he swung more like Barry Manilow than Barry Bonds. I ducked and caught him with a left jab to the jaw followed by a right hook to the gut. He tossed his cookies on my loafers.
A: So you have no regrets about this violent incident, which could lead to your disbarment?
Q: Sure, I do, Your Honor. I regret getting caught.
#
“Last Chance Lassiter” is available in paperback and as an ebook from Amazon. More information on the Jake Lassiter Series Pages.
Paul Levine